It has been so long I have not posted in this blog. A lot has changed. Truly a lot.
I originally created this blog because I wanted to escape the pain of being left, being rejected. I had a very fierce love for a particular girl when I was still in school, and she was the whole world to me. We were together only a short while, it was because of many reasons. She needed more time for studying and she did not know how her parents would react to me were the surface reasons. Her parents, like her, are highly religious. And she got the idea that we would not work because of our differing faiths.
If I remember correctly, her mother is Protestant, and her father is Catholic. As a result, she told me her parents have many arguments about religion. I found her lack of faith... disturbing. (I saw the opportunity, and I took it. If you got the reference, may the Force be with you.) She did not believe we would be able to stay together peacefully in the long run. It was all I could do to keep convincing her that no, we would work. We would make it through.
I loved her so much, to the point that it hurt. It hurt to think that someday, she would be separated from me. All of my emotions were amplified, I awaited the next day at school because I anticipated running into her in the hall, or seeing her in the cafeteria at lunch. Just seeing her gave me butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn't believe. It was the love of fairy tales, the love of dreams.
But, like all good things, it had to come to an end. The worst part was, she didn't really like me that much. And she used her religion as an excuse to get out of our relationship. But besides all this, I was the "bounceback" relationship for her. She had another boyfriend before, and he played with her heart. So she was hurt very badly, and I guess she just wanted to be with me at first so she could replace the gaping hole in her heart. But that's the price of a broken heart. It takes another heart to repair a broken one, and in the process, the other heart becomes broken itself.
We had a lot of arguments, increasingly more and more until the day we broke up. When she texted me that she was going to remove the relationship status on Facebook, I was devastated. (It sounds very silly, I know, but it was the symbolism of the gesture that made it significant.) I pleaded, I begged. I tried to cry, I wanted to cry. But my brain was just not registering the rejection and the pain my heart was feeling. This was easily the greatest injury I have ever received, physical or mental, in my entire life, and probably ever will receive.
Goodness, this is starting to sound like a confession. I chuckled softly, but I don't know how I could describe it to you with a literary equivalent. Anyways. The next important part is coming up.
At that point, I literally almost gave up. I just felt my strength drain away more quickly than when I collapse onto my bed after a long and tiring day, and with more effectiveness than jogging a fast kilometre. But, my stubborn nature of an Aries did not allow me to give up. Interestingly enough, when I decided I would not give up, I realised that this came as an internal decision. It was free of my nature, (which is also internal, but) it came as a decision from every single atom in my body. I am quite amazed that I am able to tell this to you in such detail (wow much story), it's almost as if it were yesterday (but back to the story). I guess I can say it came from my soul and my brain, mostly my soul. But I knew I had to get her back no matter what.
I will be honest, I'm not proud of some of the things that I did to get her back. I lied. A lot. I played on her guilt, I bargained with her. I involved some of her friends, not too much, but eventually I realised that I should not have involved them at all. I had the mark of a desperate man, but what can I say now. It's in the past. What's done is done. She and I are in different countries now, and were in different continents for a while. I moved on, I had new relationships, new things happened to me. But I've always known, as long as I live, this mark is going to live with me. It's going to stay etched into my very being, and will define the course of the rest of my life.
Actually, no. I could not move on for a very, very long time. I was messed up. I tried to get into relationships to alleviate the pain, but all it did was prove nothing and cause more pain. I was in pain and desperate. I cannot say I was naive because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But... I learned. Eventually, I did. I just learned to live with the pain, because such an experience was unique to me. I cannot qualitatively compare the amount and type of love that others have experienced towards others, so I cannot say my experience was the worst. But as someone to whom I dedicated my whole heart, she had the purest, strongest, and most innocent kind of love given to her. And she just smashed it into the fucking ground.
I became closed. I became more shy, introverted, less trusting, less believing that I could love again. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to. But I just felt that it was not worth the risk. Nothing was worth the risk anymore. What do others care, right? They don't care about what you want or need. They're just here to use you to fix their own problems, and then the move right along after you've given them all you can and they have no more use for you anymore. Yeah... people don't give a shit. Because they're too self-centered to see that love begets love, and if they all try to help others fix their problems, the world will become a better place. They're too blind to see that every single one of their actions, no matter how small, is significant enough to change the whole world. If people were more receptive, if they accepted and gave love as easily as they could, if people trusted and did not hurt others for the sake of hurting or gaining more than others, this world would respond to kindness and love in a heartbeat. The world would change in one day. The world can change, it can. It just doesn't. And I don't. And that's what I have to live with every single day of my life.
I think we all do. We all want to see a different world, where everybody is happy and kind, and most of all loving. But people are afraid that it's going to fail. That their effort will go to waste. People are afraid of themselves. But that is why courage can change the world. Courage leads to wisdom, and wisdom leads to power (I will describe this in another blog post). Once everybody realises this, our souls will be in touch with God. Our souls will light up, and we will see everything for what it truly is.
I'm glad I wrote all of this, for the reason that I said it. I tried to tell others, to see who would listen. But like I said, nobody cared. I know I am shouting into the darkness, but I don't care. These words are here, now, and that means my heart is here, now, and my experiences and my past are also here, now. And someday, someone will read these words. That someone will get affected, even if only in a small way, and they will change the world because of me. Because of a lot of other things and most importantly, their own effort, but also because of me.
This is why I keep this blog. This is why I am ShadowHeart. When I speak, Time listens.
